My fuck yes relationship manifesto

aka my own guidebook of how I see and operate in relationship to others, inspired by the relationship anarchist manifesto and my incredible fuck yes community

I have always existed, created and valued non traditional relationship models. While only being in my early thirties, I have had numerous relationship structures and styles that would be perceived outside of the “norm”: from as early as my teenage self choosing to de-escalate my three year partnership to friends to having intimacy (and at times benefits) in my friendships, to relationships existing under the non monogamy umbrella (monogamish, open, polyamorous) to having queer platonic life partners. And when I found the term relationship anarchy, when I came across the article by Andie Nordgren, shortly after I opened up my then marriage in my twenties, I immediately felt the most seen I had around my relationship values in my life.

That being said, I’ve struggled with certain aspects of relationships anarchy. For one, there is an unfortunate negative association with relationship anarchy by many who’ve had rough (and often abusive) relationships with folks who dub the identity of relationship anarchist. Now, there are certainly folks of all identities who operate in toxic and fucked up ways which doesn’t speak to the whole of a community — but it feels important to acknowledge this as it’s also a reason I really hesitated to identify as such for a long time and while the identity of polyamory felt more aligned for a few years (an identity I no longer feel called to #growth). I will say that my experience with folks that are relationship anarchists has been nothing but wildly positive. But I can also see how some of the wording in the manifesto could rub people wrong (and also potentially encourage a culture that could lead to toxicity). Which gets to the second reason I’m sharing my own relationship manifesto: I, alongside so many of folks I work with so frustrated that there doesn’t seem to be something that is all encompassing of the style of relationship they desire: one where commitment and autonomy co-exist, where love and respect are abundant, and where an acknowledgment of collaboration in good faith is imperative for any relationship to thrive. One that supports more nuance and gray rather than simply more boxes to fit into and check off.

So I’ve created what I wish I had had access to — in hopes that someone reads this and feels validated in their own needs and desires and finally feels like they have found a blueprint for how to foster their own relationships in their life. Maybe this does none of that for you — and that’s fucking fine! I know this won’t be it for many folks. But it is it for me. And, as always, I’m sharing from that space, and with the incredible fuck yes community in mind. Cheers to living our fuck yes lives. Here we go.

1️⃣ Get clarity on your personal set of core values

Most often, folks will operate in relationships the way they believe the other person wants them to behave instead of it coming from the deepest sense of their personal values. Get to know your true self. Strip away the “shoulds” you’ve been programmed to believe and instead, ask yourself: “what do I need in my relationships?”, “what are my personal set of boundaries and how I expect to be treated by others?”, “what are the qualities in others that I value?”

Get clear on your knowing of self so you can step into partnership with intention.

2️⃣ All relationships are customizable

The beautiful thing about having agency as a human being is the ability to, when it’s safe, break free from the status quo and societal norms. In the Western society, this often still looks like existing in on the relationship escalator, building a nuclear family, toxic monogamy culture etc — when in reality, it can look completely different.

You can decide what you want each relationship in your life to look like. Customize them in collaboration with your people in the ways that make the most sense to your unique relationships.

Maybe this means choosing to get married but living apart. Maybe this means moving in with a platonic partner that you share finances and raise kids with. Maybe this means moving into a shared housing scenario with your polycule and/or best friends. It could mean monogamy, monogamish, swinging, open, polyamorous or anything along that spectrum that makes sense for you and them. The only limit is your imagination, love.

And when we allow ourselves to check in with our desires/needs in our relationships and collaborate with our people to build structures and agreements that allow for those relationships to blossom and be their most true, we’re able to live authentically within them.

3️⃣ Interdependence is best

The struggle between independence and codependence is one present in all relationships and a consistent balancing act. Many folks find themselves in relationships (familial, romantic, sexual etc.) where there is a deep seeded unhealthy form of codependency, which can often lead to a lack of sense of self. On the flip side, we also live in a culture of hyper independence, where a persons needs and wants are the *only* thing ever considered.

The only healthy way to be in a committed relationship with someone, where respect, love, trust and integrity are present is when a level of interdependence exists: where your autonomy is valued and where you consider and take action around the needs and feelings of others.

4️⃣ Communicate and be open to growth

Growth is inevitable — and yet, most relationships begin with communication and a discovery of values/building of agreements and then it’s left there: without continued exploration and check ins. No wonder resentment builds up!

We are not stagnant beings. Our needs change. Unlearning and growth is inevitable if you’re paying attention. That’s why it’s so vital to have an open and non judgemental line of communication between you and your partner(s). Have a spirit open the possibility for change. The more you allow for open dialogue and strive to create a safe space for you and your partner(s) to grow, the less likely you will feel boxed into a life that you feel trapped inside of.

5️⃣ Apologize, take accountability and hold space

It is important that we take responsibility in our relationships for our own actions and that we move from a space of integrity. That our actions are reflective of our words. In other words: we do what we say we will do.

Apologize wholeheartedly when we fall short, ‘cause we will. Own when we’ve communicated poorly or fallen shorty. And that we create safe space for our partner to be able to share feelings without being made to feel judged, criticized or wrong to be experiencing those feelings.

I operate in my relationships in this way and I expect my partner(s) to operate in integrity as well.

6️⃣ Love is a choice, not an obligation

The beautiful thing about the customs around love in Western culture today is that they are no longer rooted in obligation. However, marriage and the rituals/customs attached to what our culture now centres love around have a long history centred exclusively in obligation, not love. Even though we now partner with folks from a place of love, that feeling of obligation is still present in a systemic way (not to mention can be present in a myriad of different systems of upbringing).

I believe that love is a choice. And that we get to decide the type of love we allow into our lives. Sometimes that means choosing to continue to let love in and lean into it. Other times, it means choosing to let it go. My partner does not own me because they are in a romantic and/or sexual relationship with me.